Kerfuffles :: Human Origins :: March

From Whence and How Came to Be Liberals and Conservatives?
This, most of which came from the Internet, explains all of human history! The division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans organized themselves into small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They survived by bagging bear and deer in the mountains during summers and traveled to the beach in winter to catch fish and lobster.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer came first, followed by the wheel, which was necessary to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalysts for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was invented, it required grain as an ingredient, hence the beginning of agriculture. While our early human ancestors were awaiting the inventions of the glass bottle and the aluminum can, they needed to stay close by the brewery, which resulted in the organizations of the first ancient villages. To compliment their nightly beer drinking, the more enterprising of humankind spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue. They were the forefathers of what is known as "The Conservative Movement."

The weaker and less skilled hunters soon learned to sponge off of the Conservatives by crashing the nightly barbecues and offering to do sewing, fetching and hair dressing for the hunters. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement." Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became ‘girly men.’ Noteworthy Liberal achievements included the domestication of cats, the trade unions, the invention of group therapy and group hugs. Liberals created the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Most importantly they created the concept of Democratic voting in order to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives produced.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the earth’s largest, most powerful land animal, the elephant. Liberals chose the jackass as their mascot. As Liberals evolved into more modern times, they would drink only imported beer with a dash of lime added, but most preferred white wine or French bottled water. Although most Liberals no longer eat barbecue as they are now "vegans", those who continue to eat flesh prefer raw fish yet demand that their beef be well done, usually in the form of jerky. Sushi, tofu, and French cuisine are standard fare for Liberals.

An interesting side note to the evolutionary changes is that most of the women who had been Liberal men in prehistoric times, now have higher testosterone levels than Liberal men of today. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood dreamers and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing, instead preferring to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production.

When Conservatives left Europe to conquer a new world, almost all of Liberals remained behind. Only after the industrious and brave Conservatives burned the forests for farmland and tamed the Wild West did some of Europe’s Liberals find it then safe to come to America. That is why Liberals believe that Europeans are much more enlightened than Americans. Once here, Liberals joined America’s capitalism culture by starting their own business, the "Getting Something for Nothing" franchise. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. Enjoy .