Shocking New Poll!

86 Percent of Americans Want to Split the Country in Two

March 18, 2006 | Issue 42:11 | The Leek | America’s Finest Kerfuffles

WASHINGTON, DC: A newly released Gallup/Harris Interactive Poll indicates that nearly nine out of ten Americans are “sick and tired of having a divided country.” The solution they believe is to reorganize into two nations – the United Red States and the United Blues.

The Red and the Blue

Amongst the 86 percent of poll respondents who were in favor of dividing their nation, the most frequently cited reasons were an intense dislike for the “other” colored states (22 percent), claims of bigotry by the Blue Staters (36 percent) coming from the fiery and hotheaded Reds, and claims of elitism by the Red Staters (28 percent) coming from those living in the more erudite and urbane Blue States.

“I no longer want to be a citizen of the same nation that allows Red States,” Minneapolis, Minnesota accountant Katie Kroverworth said. “I’m not up in arms or anything, in fact I’m anti-war, but I’m just saying it’d be a lot easier for everyone if we just split up. We will get to keep Washington and its vast bureaucracy as our Capital and those warmongering Red Staters can have the Pentagon across the river in Virginia.”

Of those who were in favor of creating two American nations, 77 percent said they believe that having one country with colored states is “counter to the best interests of both Red and Blue Americans.” Twelve percent said “the time and effort Red and Blue states spend fighting each other could be better spent in fighting foreigners such as Mexicans,” and 8 percent, mostly Blue Staters, said they just want to protect their environment from Halliburton.

Roughly 3 percent said that we ceased to be one country long ago, in the 1860s to be precise, explaining that the War between the States, or as the Blues referred to it, the Civil War, had been a tremendous waste of national treasure. The Blue Staters said that they had been stockpiling weapons ever since the assassination of Abraham Lincoln because they felt offended and threatened by the many Southern Red Staters who continued to whistle “Dixie” even though they had lost the war.

According to study organizer Griffin Davis, the lack of pollsters in the nation during the 1860s’ War was the main reason that the Union fought to the death to stay together, rather than doing what people on both sides wanted – to just say “uncle” and go home. He added further that today’s poll respondents were surprisingly uniform in their opinion that continuing as one nation was just too much of a hassle. One respondent said “the current nation is so big that I can no longer keep up with the news every day and still have time for my three kids. And besides, I’m just not interested in what those other color folks think.”

Most citizens said they did not wish to abandon such American traditions as parades, fireworks, and national holidays. They explained that being able to celebrate holidays with their own kind of colored states was something that they expected would be more fulfilling, as there would be less tension caused by displays of creches, snowmen, witches and decorated pine trees. “We’ll still salute flags and pledge allegiance to them, but they will be two different flags,” Mobile, Alabama mechanic and former Marine Paul Douglas said. “I like singing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ before the game, but at other times I look forward to belting out the words of ‘Dixie’ after so many years of having to whistle the tune under my breath.” Douglas added: “I love America, but I will love her even more when I no longer have to tolerate the Blue States.”

Some critics, including the leadership of both political parties, have attacked the methodology of the poll, saying that questions like “Do you want two nations or would you prefer to divide the country into the Red and the Blue?” were poorly worded. Marcus O’Casey, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, characterized the question as leading. Said O’Casey: “What you must consider is that respondents often don’t have the time nor the intellect to answer five questions about their country, and besides, most consider the opposite colored citizens of their country to not be genuine Americans.”

Davis pointed to Boston, Massachusetts banker Walt Jefferson’s response. “I think we’ve become much too big for one nation and dividing it into two would make it fairer to the rest of the world,” Jefferson wrote. “We’ve had over 225 years of togetherness and now it’s time to show the world that we’ve learned something about governance in all those years. Breaking up is hard to do, but it would show third world countries like Somalia, Haiti and Canada that if we can govern ourselves, so can they.”

“Nations! What are nations?
Tartars, and Huns, and Chinamen!
Like insects, they swarm.
The historian strives in vain to make them memorable.
It is for want of a man that there are so many men.” ~~from “Life Without Principle” by Henry David Thoreau, 1863.

UPDATE: Hey - Hey - Hey - There is today, March 21, 2005, that “WaPo” wants to be the newspaper of record of the United Red States. Check out “Pachyderms in the Mist: Red America and the MSM” at their new “Red America”.

Inspired by “The Onion”. Linked at basil’s blog’s Picnic, Michelle Malkin, Wizbang and Captain’s Quarters.