When I ordered my new notebook computer, I had quite a choice to make as the recently released Microsoft operating system, Windows Vista, is available in various editions. Which would be the best for me, I had no idea. So I requested the techie on the telephone to choose whichever would suit me by telling him how I use my computer. However, all he wanted to know was the state where I lived. Virginia - of course, so …? So …, when my new notebook arrived in the mail, I unpacked it and plugged it in.

Immediately, up popped “Winders Vister RED”

“Hey thar! We hyar at Microsof’ haf created a noo addishun of our sof’ware jest fo’ yo’uns. Eff’n y’all kin read, y’all will recernize th’ Red State EDITION by th’ unique openin’ screen which reads WINDERS VISTER RED, wif a backgroun’ pitcher of Waylon an’ Willie superimposed on a Mason jar of moonshine. Thar haf been a few other necessity an’ wo’thwhile changes sech as:”

  • The Recycle Bin is now labeled “Outhouse“
  • My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption“
  • Dial Up Networking is called “Good Ol’ Boys“
  • Control Panel is known as “The Dashboard“
  • Hard Drive is referred to as “4-Wheel Drive“
  • CDs and DVDs are “Them li’l ol’ plastic thang-a-ma-bobs“
  • Instead of an error message, “Duct Tape” pops up

Winders VISTER

I noticed there were other “CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY” in this Microsoft WINDERS VISTER” Red State EDITION“:

  • Cancel…………stopdat
  • Reset…………..try’er agin
  • Yes……………..yep
  • No………………this dog don’t hunt
  • Find……………hunt fer it
  • Go to………….over yonder
  • Back…………..back yonder
  • Help…………..hep me out y’here
  • Stop…………..kwitit (WHOA!)
  • Start…………..crank’er up
  • Settings……..settins
  • Programs……stuff wot duz stuff
  • Documents…stuff ah done did

There was included a special NOTE from “Billy Bob Gates” himself:

Th’ RED STATE EDITION does not reckanize capital letters o’ punckuashun marks. We have included some ‘foolpoff - easy to use’ programs jest fer all o’ y’all, thet is exclusive t’ “WINDERS VISTER RED“:

  • Typoriter…………………….. a word processing program
  • Kellerin’ Book………………a graphics program
  • Cyferin’ Ma’sheen………..calculator
  • Outhouse Paper…………..notepad
  • Inner-net……………………..Microsoft explorer 7.0
  • Pitchers………………………a graphics viewer

“Yo’ may view a sample of th’ Internet as translated by “Winders Vister RED State Edishun” by clickin’ HERE. Ah varmintally hope this hyar he’ps all y’all becomin’ mo’e computer iliterate!
~~Signed “CEO an’ FOUNDER, Billy Bob “Git ‘er done!” GATES

I had heard that those folks at Microsoft were liberals, but is this any way to treat a paying customer? Now I ask you, do you suppose that Al-gore of Tennessee, the inventor of the Internet, got the same Winders Vister “RED State Edition” on his new computer too? Probably not. He’s a MAC kinda guy. Maybe thar’s a lesson y’here.